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| Photo Credit: www.360nobs.com |
Everyone one on earth is different and so we are naturally bound to trust and distrust, and to ask questions. It's a normal thing. However, the most important things here are the timing of events and how you handle your findings.
Dove's Heart is very much aware of the unending mistakes a lot of us have made, and will continue to make, all trying to find out who our partners really are. Without much ado, below is a list of some of the negative results you'll always get (maybe you've got some of these already) while trying to test your partner:
1. You might end up making them hate you!
Well, this actually got me laughing a bit - achieving the opposite. I can imagine the 'had I known' feeling you'll have to live with. A lot of people act based on hearsay (fine, sometimes rumours carry the truth. But you must confirm everything before you set yourself on such a testing spree). There are many reasons why people do things. So expect there to be as many reasons as possible why your partner is behaving in funny/suspicious ways. Don't just wake up and test them based on your suspicion of their character. Are they actually guilty? If they are, who/what's the cause? Hope it's not you - something they've complained to you for a long time but you overlooked?
I tell you a brief story. Someone told Carol* that they saw one of her very good friends, Tina, in Jerry's (Carol's date) car some night. Carol became so angry that she had to start keeping malice with Tina. She didn't believe it one hundred percent that the two were having an affair, but she didn't like what she had heard, and she wasn't able to trust Jerry that much again. To cut the long story short, Carol decided to find out if Jerry was a cheat. She discussed with another friend of hers, Abi, and used her to test Jerry. If Jerry was trying to flirt with Tina, he would surely fall for Abi - whose beauty was irresistibly problematic to men. She knew what she was doing.
That Saturday morning at 1am, Carol told her suspicious guy it's time to leave the club; she wanted to go home, not because anyone was tired of clubbing, but to get her plans running. Jerry drove, Carol in front, Abi at the back. 'Please take me to my family house; while Abi goes with you to your house. She will sleep there till it's dawn. I don't want my parents to see her', Carol innocently told Jerry. Jerry didn't object to that, after all he wasn't known to Carol's parents either - Carol is known at home to be a 'very good girl'. Jerry was to drop her on the road, just close to her family house. If parents asked where she had come from that time of the night, the answer would be 'from the hospital'. After all her younger sister, who's Carol's paddy in the family, is lying sick. Not only would she easily defend Carol without a mistake; Carol's the one looking after her in the hospital. So the rest is history.
As their plan was, in Jerry's house, Abi had a quick shower and came out of the bathroom half-dressed in a way that would tempt everything classified as male. Jerry was on the bed but not sleeping; the sight he just saw was something to think about - either positively or negatively. She went to her purse and touched one or two things on her phone. 'Feeling so tired, Jerry', said Abi, as she pretentiously slumped tall body on the bed, sending a message to the victim that she's fast asleep. Just 45 minutes later the deal was done! 12pm Carol got the audio evidence of what had happened and Jerry was summoned. 'I knew you're cheating on me. You never told me you're dating my friend, Tina. Congrats, Jerry! I've been told of your dealings with her, how you've been driving her around at night - everything', the disappointed Carol cried out. Speechless and ashamed, Jerry replied: 'I swear I did absolutely nothing with your friend, Tina. I only gave her a lift...and that was just once. She...she was....it was a coincidence we met on the road and I decided to give her a lift...and her boyfriend was sitting at the back for God's sake!'.
Unfortunately, Jerry's car had tinted glasses at the back and that didn't allow the reporter, Jane, to see Tina's boyfriend was also in the car as the time Jerry was alleged to be flirting around with Tina in his car. Jerry was innocent of the allegation. But Carol decided to find out more by setting him up. Jerry ended up doing what he never did - he slept with Carol's friend, Abi, courtesy of Carol's carefulness. What else? Carol hated the reporter friend, Jane; Tina and her date hated Carol and Jane; Jerry hated Carol, Abi and, Jane. That was the end of the relationship that was entering its third year.
I tell you a brief story. Someone told Carol* that they saw one of her very good friends, Tina, in Jerry's (Carol's date) car some night. Carol became so angry that she had to start keeping malice with Tina. She didn't believe it one hundred percent that the two were having an affair, but she didn't like what she had heard, and she wasn't able to trust Jerry that much again. To cut the long story short, Carol decided to find out if Jerry was a cheat. She discussed with another friend of hers, Abi, and used her to test Jerry. If Jerry was trying to flirt with Tina, he would surely fall for Abi - whose beauty was irresistibly problematic to men. She knew what she was doing.
That Saturday morning at 1am, Carol told her suspicious guy it's time to leave the club; she wanted to go home, not because anyone was tired of clubbing, but to get her plans running. Jerry drove, Carol in front, Abi at the back. 'Please take me to my family house; while Abi goes with you to your house. She will sleep there till it's dawn. I don't want my parents to see her', Carol innocently told Jerry. Jerry didn't object to that, after all he wasn't known to Carol's parents either - Carol is known at home to be a 'very good girl'. Jerry was to drop her on the road, just close to her family house. If parents asked where she had come from that time of the night, the answer would be 'from the hospital'. After all her younger sister, who's Carol's paddy in the family, is lying sick. Not only would she easily defend Carol without a mistake; Carol's the one looking after her in the hospital. So the rest is history.
As their plan was, in Jerry's house, Abi had a quick shower and came out of the bathroom half-dressed in a way that would tempt everything classified as male. Jerry was on the bed but not sleeping; the sight he just saw was something to think about - either positively or negatively. She went to her purse and touched one or two things on her phone. 'Feeling so tired, Jerry', said Abi, as she pretentiously slumped tall body on the bed, sending a message to the victim that she's fast asleep. Just 45 minutes later the deal was done! 12pm Carol got the audio evidence of what had happened and Jerry was summoned. 'I knew you're cheating on me. You never told me you're dating my friend, Tina. Congrats, Jerry! I've been told of your dealings with her, how you've been driving her around at night - everything', the disappointed Carol cried out. Speechless and ashamed, Jerry replied: 'I swear I did absolutely nothing with your friend, Tina. I only gave her a lift...and that was just once. She...she was....it was a coincidence we met on the road and I decided to give her a lift...and her boyfriend was sitting at the back for God's sake!'.
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| Photo Credit: www.geckoandfly.com |
2. You might get the wrong results depending on the circumstances they are in while being tested
No need to write too much on this as the story above has explained more than intended. For instance, Carol didn't totally believe what Jane's report about Tina and Jerry. She felt it was still possible for the gossip to be false; she still loved Jerry. But she just wanted to find out if Jerry was cheating or not. To me, I feel Carol wanted a positive outcome from her test. I don't think she wanted Jerry to sleep with Abi that Saturday morning. Never. Her motive was to test - not tempt - Jerry (these are two different things. Read the 4th item of this article). However, Carol got a very different result from what she wanted - not only did her date fail the test, they also broke up, having issues with the rest of the friends.
Too, the circumstances that people find themselves do have serious influence on their actions/reactions during that period. Jerry just came back from a club. He possibly was tipsy, or he might have seen lots of romantic scenes that would trigger him to action if with a girl. Yes, he wasn't disciplined. But the timing was not just ok (or do you think in the contrary? Comment below, please). Don't test a hungry person with food, don't give a mad person any weapon, don't allow someone who's drunk to drive, don't keep anything you'll eat in the care of your enemy, don't ask a sick person to clean the house and do everything at home. In all of these situations, you're more likely going to receive negative results than positive; they're under the influence of something that can directly affect your test results. People's situations will always influence their inputs and consequently, their outputs. When you want to test someone, let all things be considered; let your plan be perfect. Don't forget, it might take some time or extra effort. You need to be patient and willing to sacrifice. Self control is also needed, and above all, don't do anything nasty if you end up finding out that the result is the truth and it's a negative one. Such is life. Move one! Be good!
No need to write too much on this as the story above has explained more than intended. For instance, Carol didn't totally believe what Jane's report about Tina and Jerry. She felt it was still possible for the gossip to be false; she still loved Jerry. But she just wanted to find out if Jerry was cheating or not. To me, I feel Carol wanted a positive outcome from her test. I don't think she wanted Jerry to sleep with Abi that Saturday morning. Never. Her motive was to test - not tempt - Jerry (these are two different things. Read the 4th item of this article). However, Carol got a very different result from what she wanted - not only did her date fail the test, they also broke up, having issues with the rest of the friends.
Too, the circumstances that people find themselves do have serious influence on their actions/reactions during that period. Jerry just came back from a club. He possibly was tipsy, or he might have seen lots of romantic scenes that would trigger him to action if with a girl. Yes, he wasn't disciplined. But the timing was not just ok (or do you think in the contrary? Comment below, please). Don't test a hungry person with food, don't give a mad person any weapon, don't allow someone who's drunk to drive, don't keep anything you'll eat in the care of your enemy, don't ask a sick person to clean the house and do everything at home. In all of these situations, you're more likely going to receive negative results than positive; they're under the influence of something that can directly affect your test results. People's situations will always influence their inputs and consequently, their outputs. When you want to test someone, let all things be considered; let your plan be perfect. Don't forget, it might take some time or extra effort. You need to be patient and willing to sacrifice. Self control is also needed, and above all, don't do anything nasty if you end up finding out that the result is the truth and it's a negative one. Such is life. Move one! Be good!
3. Unsatisfying Relationship
Have you ever seen partners who are in a long-lasting relationship, yet they use curses and fights to greet each other every morning? There are couples like that, there are siblings like that, there are friends like that, there are business partners like that, there are 'lovers' like that. Tell them to break up at once, they won't. Settle the problem once and for all, they can't. Today they attend occasions or church service together in harmony, on their way back they quarrel home. All this is as a result of some unresolved issue(s) pending somewhere. Sometimes it could be they're not compatible to start with, and so shouldn't have come together. At times they can't discuss their pressing issue with anyone outside due to the enormity of the issue. They live like water and oil, and at same time like bread and butter.
However, I must say this, if you're having such a relationship - be it marriage or whatever you call it - and it's an open one, try to discuss with someone you can trust. If you feel you still don't have someone you can trust, Dove's Heart is here to help. You don't need to expose your identity. You just need to tell an adviser what the problem is and the adviser gives you the solution. Case closed. All you need again is utmost sincerity while reporting your problems to your adviser. Don't hide and die when you can actually smile and live!
4. Break Up
Although testing someone is a different thing from tempting them, it's imperative to know that testing your partner can lead to abrupt break up. This happens as a result of four (4) basic reasons:
a. The person you're testing is both innocent and hard -
Underline '...both innocent and hard'. In this case, the person rather expects you to talk to them, caution them, correct them if you suspect anything wrong. Testing them means you don't trust them (even when they're innocent), or you've made them to do what they never planned doing (like Jerry did what he never planned doing), or that you're belittling them (whether they're innocent or not, it's not their business). They take formal actions more, expect maturity more, and can love and hate easily. They're not perfect, but believe the right thing should be done. They can apologise, but decide to leave. Don't embarrass them even for the wrong they've done. They can be independent. People can do anything for love. Count this set of people out - they can't do everything because of loving you. You don't disturb them when they're busy, and they may not come see you when it's midnight, no matter what. Wait for tomorrow, for sleep and safety are important to them. They can easily shop for themselves and for you, and may want to flaunt what they have. Things don't really bother them; they can easily start a new relationship, or just decide not to date gain. Time to focus on their career. You possibly have never been told your mouth smells. These ones will tell you every time of your dear life! They're not necessarily rude, but a spade is never a knife.
Note: that your partner has any of these attitudes does not mean they are as described here. After all, people do share zodiac signs and still remain distinctively different.
b. The person you're testing has attitude problem -
By this I mean the person knows he/she is wrong, but just gets angry rather than apologise. These are the proud, unserious type. Possibly they're the one taking care of your needs and they be like, 'I'm cheating on you...you've caught me...and so what?!! I can always move on to someone else!' They're ever ready to hurt you the more without any remorse. These are the ones who would slam the door even when they're guilty. Stay clear!
c. The scared and troubled-minded ones -
These ones can forgive you, but will never forget what has happened. If you're this type and your partner cheats on you, you're likely going to forgive them. But for fear of what might happen again tomorrow, the shock will make you end the relationship. You still love them, but you can't continue because you believe so much in trust and faithfulness, than in bed, beauty and material gains. Someone you spent your life trusting has just surprised you. You have no reason whatsoever to trust anyone, let alone same partner again. These ones cry their soul out in their quiet times. They refuse to eat, refuse to go to work - in fact, they become so weak that other things make no single meaning to them again. The world has ended, they believe.
Too, the person cheating, out of their fear and troubled mind, can decide to end the relationship. It's a disappointment it's happened; it's a very big shame. They wish they could just disappear from the earth. They feel you didn't deserve that they did to you, and so they don't deserve to come back to you. Your innocence is their guilt. People in this category value the heart more than the flesh, they value who you are more than what you have or give them. They hide, run away from friends and family; they don't want people to see their guilty face or ugly situation. They usually cheat as a result of a pressing problem (like pressing financial issues, inability to stay alone without someone's comfort, weak-willed, inability to be independent, too emotional, etc) not because they just woke up and decided to cheat on you. They can easily commit suicide for a wrong they've done, or done to them!
d. Outside pressure -
This usually comes from your loved ones. Your family wouldn't want you to continue dating someone who's cheated on you. Nobody expects to harbour a cheating in-law - at least, not in a place like (West) Africa, where values and traditions play important roles in the family than your beauty and money. So your loved ones - family and friends - can put pressure on you till you break up with your cheating partner. They've just done you good; it's their moral right, they would tell you. Seeing you do away with such a partner, to them, is a success.
Finally, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world that is full of insincerity; a world where people look into your eyes and lie to you; a world where people shed tears before you but actually having the opposite in their heart. If you've never cheated on someone, or if you've never been wronged this way, then you sure don't know how it feels. I will never stop saying this: being in a relationship is a thing you do consciously. If you want to be trusted and loved, or you want to trust and love someone - you can't achieve this be mistake; you must work it out 'with fear and trembling' (remember that phrase in the Bible?). Ask questions, keep only the good friends you've got, let some things go, be ready to sacrifice. In a relationship, you fail to exits; your partner fails to exist. What now exists is called us. Don't be deceived, you must lose friends, cut off some habits, let go of as many things as possible, just for the 'us' to stay forever. It's not the first time you've heard these words, but you're yet to put them to action sincerely. So your relationship problems are likely going to continue after reading through all of this, except you start putting this into practice.
Was this useful? Do you have any questions or contributions? Let's hear you out in the comments section below (or you send a mail where necessary). Thanks for the precious time spent here.
*Disclaimer: story is fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons or events, is coincidental.
Have you ever seen partners who are in a long-lasting relationship, yet they use curses and fights to greet each other every morning? There are couples like that, there are siblings like that, there are friends like that, there are business partners like that, there are 'lovers' like that. Tell them to break up at once, they won't. Settle the problem once and for all, they can't. Today they attend occasions or church service together in harmony, on their way back they quarrel home. All this is as a result of some unresolved issue(s) pending somewhere. Sometimes it could be they're not compatible to start with, and so shouldn't have come together. At times they can't discuss their pressing issue with anyone outside due to the enormity of the issue. They live like water and oil, and at same time like bread and butter.
However, I must say this, if you're having such a relationship - be it marriage or whatever you call it - and it's an open one, try to discuss with someone you can trust. If you feel you still don't have someone you can trust, Dove's Heart is here to help. You don't need to expose your identity. You just need to tell an adviser what the problem is and the adviser gives you the solution. Case closed. All you need again is utmost sincerity while reporting your problems to your adviser. Don't hide and die when you can actually smile and live!
 |
| Photo Credit: www.izquotes.com |
Although testing someone is a different thing from tempting them, it's imperative to know that testing your partner can lead to abrupt break up. This happens as a result of four (4) basic reasons:
a. The person you're testing is both innocent and hard -
Underline '...both innocent and hard'. In this case, the person rather expects you to talk to them, caution them, correct them if you suspect anything wrong. Testing them means you don't trust them (even when they're innocent), or you've made them to do what they never planned doing (like Jerry did what he never planned doing), or that you're belittling them (whether they're innocent or not, it's not their business). They take formal actions more, expect maturity more, and can love and hate easily. They're not perfect, but believe the right thing should be done. They can apologise, but decide to leave. Don't embarrass them even for the wrong they've done. They can be independent. People can do anything for love. Count this set of people out - they can't do everything because of loving you. You don't disturb them when they're busy, and they may not come see you when it's midnight, no matter what. Wait for tomorrow, for sleep and safety are important to them. They can easily shop for themselves and for you, and may want to flaunt what they have. Things don't really bother them; they can easily start a new relationship, or just decide not to date gain. Time to focus on their career. You possibly have never been told your mouth smells. These ones will tell you every time of your dear life! They're not necessarily rude, but a spade is never a knife.
Note: that your partner has any of these attitudes does not mean they are as described here. After all, people do share zodiac signs and still remain distinctively different.
b. The person you're testing has attitude problem -
By this I mean the person knows he/she is wrong, but just gets angry rather than apologise. These are the proud, unserious type. Possibly they're the one taking care of your needs and they be like, 'I'm cheating on you...you've caught me...and so what?!! I can always move on to someone else!' They're ever ready to hurt you the more without any remorse. These are the ones who would slam the door even when they're guilty. Stay clear!
c. The scared and troubled-minded ones -
These ones can forgive you, but will never forget what has happened. If you're this type and your partner cheats on you, you're likely going to forgive them. But for fear of what might happen again tomorrow, the shock will make you end the relationship. You still love them, but you can't continue because you believe so much in trust and faithfulness, than in bed, beauty and material gains. Someone you spent your life trusting has just surprised you. You have no reason whatsoever to trust anyone, let alone same partner again. These ones cry their soul out in their quiet times. They refuse to eat, refuse to go to work - in fact, they become so weak that other things make no single meaning to them again. The world has ended, they believe.
Too, the person cheating, out of their fear and troubled mind, can decide to end the relationship. It's a disappointment it's happened; it's a very big shame. They wish they could just disappear from the earth. They feel you didn't deserve that they did to you, and so they don't deserve to come back to you. Your innocence is their guilt. People in this category value the heart more than the flesh, they value who you are more than what you have or give them. They hide, run away from friends and family; they don't want people to see their guilty face or ugly situation. They usually cheat as a result of a pressing problem (like pressing financial issues, inability to stay alone without someone's comfort, weak-willed, inability to be independent, too emotional, etc) not because they just woke up and decided to cheat on you. They can easily commit suicide for a wrong they've done, or done to them!
d. Outside pressure -
This usually comes from your loved ones. Your family wouldn't want you to continue dating someone who's cheated on you. Nobody expects to harbour a cheating in-law - at least, not in a place like (West) Africa, where values and traditions play important roles in the family than your beauty and money. So your loved ones - family and friends - can put pressure on you till you break up with your cheating partner. They've just done you good; it's their moral right, they would tell you. Seeing you do away with such a partner, to them, is a success.
Finally, ladies and gentlemen, we live in a world that is full of insincerity; a world where people look into your eyes and lie to you; a world where people shed tears before you but actually having the opposite in their heart. If you've never cheated on someone, or if you've never been wronged this way, then you sure don't know how it feels. I will never stop saying this: being in a relationship is a thing you do consciously. If you want to be trusted and loved, or you want to trust and love someone - you can't achieve this be mistake; you must work it out 'with fear and trembling' (remember that phrase in the Bible?). Ask questions, keep only the good friends you've got, let some things go, be ready to sacrifice. In a relationship, you fail to exits; your partner fails to exist. What now exists is called us. Don't be deceived, you must lose friends, cut off some habits, let go of as many things as possible, just for the 'us' to stay forever. It's not the first time you've heard these words, but you're yet to put them to action sincerely. So your relationship problems are likely going to continue after reading through all of this, except you start putting this into practice.
Was this useful? Do you have any questions or contributions? Let's hear you out in the comments section below (or you send a mail where necessary). Thanks for the precious time spent here.
 |
| Photo Credit: www.wavefitnesskelowna.com |
*Disclaimer: story is fiction. Any resemblance to actual persons or events, is coincidental.
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