It's been a long while since we last discussed. As we all know, our last discussion was on the issue of 'trust'. I want to believe we all had a good time reading through those tips. Today, our focus shall be on the much debated issue of 'love'. Just as 'trust' is needed to solidify a relationship, 'love' is also a relationship lifeline. The world today has ruined the word 'love' so much so that some people are afraid to talk about it, especially depending on their cultural backgrounds. Love is not about what a man does with a woman. It's a form of one's disposition towards another person/thing; and it has types. We shall see this later. Everyone's question, however, has always been how do I know that someone (my dad, mum, friends, employer, husband, wife, others) loves me? How can they prove it to me, and how can I verify it that they really love me? That's a huge question, considering the fact that we don't fully know ourselves as individuals, let alone knowing the minds of other humans. For real, if God would give humans the chance to ask Him at least one question on the Judgement Day, I think my question would be this: Father, please why did you create humans in such a way that they can't understand the minds of their fellow humans? That's not funny a question, you know. Most of our fortunes and misfortunes in life come as a result of our inability to read the minds of other people. Every person you know in life has a person inside them that you don't know, no matter how close you guys are. Now, that's pretty scary and worrisome!
Imagine if people knew the minds of the hijackers of the 9/11 planes, the World Trade Centre wouldn't get bombed. Imagine if people knew the minds of Shekau and his boys prior to now, Nigeria would not face what it's facing now in their hands. Imagine if the South African model Reeva Steenkamp knew the mind of Oscar Pistorious, the event of Valentine's Day of 2013 wouldn't happen. Imagine you deciding to spend the rest of your life with someone called a spouse. You've dated for long I know. But you guys are still far from knowing each other deeply. Sorry to disappoint you, you can't know anybody 100%, your parents, your spouse, your siblings all inclusive; you can't even know yourself completely (I will talk about Compatibility in Relationship soon. Check the blog often). We certainly don't know the next person's mind and so things happen to us helplessly. That's a big problem.
People talk about love almost in every facet of their lives - employees want their employers to show them love; kids want their parents to show them love, and vice versa; couples expect love from each other; siblings expect love among themselves; relatives, friends, colleagues - everyone wants to be loved. But just how do you know that someone really loves you? Your dad loves you yet he refuses to give you everything you ask for? Does it mean he doesn't really love you for not giving you 'everything' you ask for? You mistakenly get pregnant for someone and he asks you to abort or put it on another guy - or as a guy, your lady gets pregnant and suggests she wants to get rid of it? Does any of these show that there's no love? An invigilator allows everyone to cheat in an exams hall except you? Does it mean the invigilator hates you? Answering these question, among thousands of millions of others, will certainly make you and I have a rethink about what 'love' really entails.
What, then, is love? Without much ado, let's consider the following four categories of love:
a. Agape Love (God's love; general love for all humans; the everyone-deserves-to-be-loved philosophy; love as a moral necessity),
b. Phileo Love (specific love; I love you specially because of who you are to me; eg. God loves every human being [agape] but He's more attached to righteous people [phileo] than sinners, because they obey Him),
c. Storge love (love in the family - parents to children, among siblings, etc),
d. Eros love (romantic love, husband-wife love).
Judging from the above, you quickly know exactly where you belong. In all of these categories, one thing, perhaps, stands out: a strong feeling towards.... It is on this phrase that we will base our discussion. Just take it that in all of the four kinds of love mentioned above, the main thing is 'having a strong feeling towards someone/something else'. The level of such feeling differs from one person/situation to another, though. Without trying to be too exhaustive, below is a list of some cool ways to find out if you're really loved by someone. Trust me, all these points have their ups and downs. But somewhere in the end lies the only way out. You have to open your mind, ready and think over everything written here with all amount of sincerity!
1. Actions, Activities, and Expressions:
Here, the concern is on what is being done. What has the person done for/with you to convince you that they love you? They buy you things? They always visit, call, or they always send you money? For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son [to die!]. It's not time to debate whether or not God exists. You can just take the lesson from the quote and press on. The lesson here is simple: because of love someone decided to leave a better place (heaven) to come and die for others. Now, love couldn't be better expressed than this; no action compares with this. It's absolutely priceless! In addition to His death, all of His activities and expressions were directed towards saving humans at the expense of Himself. Everything will convince one that human actions, activities and expressions can be used to prove one's love for others. Not so fast. That was God in action. What about humans?
Imagine you being from a poor home. Your parents 'love' you. As a result of the level of poverty you guys experience, your parents encourage you to join a robbery gang (as a man) or to become a prostitute (as a lady) in order to meet your own personal material needs, will you be convinced that your parents really love you? As a girl, you get raped and your female friend advises you to get rid of the baby, will you be convinced she loves you? Don't forget, for real, your friend might be sincere in her advise, but it might not be the best and true thing you should do (sincerity is me telling you or doing all I know based on my knowledge of and capacity to handle it; it's truth limited by my abilities. Whereas, truth is limitless, ultimate reality whether you know about it or not).
In the example above, your female friend feels your pains. She understands the stigma surrounding you. Maybe she would do same thing to herself. But was her advice a show of love for you? Again, you have a friend whose parents can afford for him everything life can ever offer, yet he's not in school and his parent aren't bothered about his education. Your parents can only afford to pay your school fees; you don't enjoy anything else about life apart from food and shelter, but you're a student. Whose parents do you think love their child more?
The reality, however, is you can't conclude whether or not people love you by mere judging their actions, activities, expressions and sweet words towards you. Don't forget that Judas did a very nice thing by 'kissing' Jesus. But that kiss, a good gesture, actually signified that Jesus was to be killed. People can do great things for you but they don't love you. In same vein, there are people who can only afford little things for you, but in their heart they sincerely love you. Are people's actions, words, activities, gestures enough to prove they love you?
Lest you never knew, there are situations where you meet someone newly and, because of how they behave towards you, a conviction builds up within you that the person is falling in love with you. It's only when you try approaching/wooing them that you understand they never loved you. Guys have been slapped by girls, girls have been embarrassed by guys all in the name of thinking the person was falling in love with them. That someone dedicates their time to you, exchange phone numbers with you, add you on social media, or visit you, doesn't mean they have eros love for you; it could just mean agape love. So, it's hard to prove what kind of love people have for you - or whether they even love you at all - just by judging their gestures.
2. Process and Cost:
Here, the question is on how the thing is done for/with you. How did the person achieve it? What did it take, the cost? What has the person lost in order to make you feel loved or happy? In the case of Jesus, we all have read that He suffered everything possible, things He never would have suffered, things that were far inferior to His being; He even had to give His life for humanity. That was the cost, the process He passed through to express His love for humans. It surprises me that many who go to church today are not much bothered about 'how' Christ showed them love. We complain that God hasn't answered our prayers, but fail to think about cost of Christ's death. As humans, we fail to appreciate ‘how' people suffer to show us love - whether it meets our request or not, whether you're satisfied or not, they’ve tried their best; it counts a lot.
Daddy treks to work everyday so you may ride to school. Mum is in Ontario washing public toilets in order to fetch your school fees. Uncle is a bus conductor on the busy roads of Nigeria just to feed a fatherless nephew. Grandma hawks goods in the streets of India just to make sure her grandchild eats at the end of the day. Your spouse has seen shame simply because they want to cover your shame. These, among others, are sad experiences people go through just to show others how much they love them. Trust me, many have done dirty things all in the name of love.
Consider this: a man suddenly 'assists' you with a car to use for your wedding day, accepting he will be trekking (cost of showing you love) to work that day, only for you to be caught by the police that it's a stolen car. To you, that man was such a kind, loving person who decided to pass through pains (trekking) just to allow you use 'his' car. In the eyes of reality, it was a set-up. Terrorists kill themselves along with crowds when on suicide missions in order to protect their beliefs. Does any of these two examples in anyway show love?
To make the situation worse, you should also know that people can fake it. There are people who can show you love only when things are fine. Yet again, there are those who can show you love when things are hard with you; some can do both. Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven. Powerful statement! It's not everyone who does 'seemingly good things' for/with you that really loves you, except you wish to find out the kind of love they're professing for you. A guy buys you an iPhone and you think your angel has just arrived? Far from it. He might just be interested in eros love and nothing more. When the romance goes off, the love goes off too. So, can we just say, without further arguments, that the enormity of what people pass through to show us love really determines the extent to which they love us? It's both yes and no!
3. Outside Factors:
One way to to know if someone loves you is to hear from outsiders. There are things people do for you, trying to prove to you they love you, but you definitely can't tell if it's true or not. It's a close outsider to the person that can give you a clue, so far they know about it and are willingly to tell you.
You may be in a relationship with someone who's nursing a long plan to harm you. If you're not aware of this plan, of course, he/she will always remain a 'loving' person in your eyes, so far they keep providing you with some goodies. But why they provide those goodies, how they provide them, and what goodies they provide should be considered. Again, you might need the help of an outsider to gather this information.
Let's consider this: Jennifer goes to the market with her friend Ann. Jennifer's husband is a rich man, but far older than Jennifer and with a terminal disease. Mrs. Jennifer has told Ann she's tired of the man; she feels it's better to get rid of the man than for her to keep enduring such a spiteful condition of a dying fellow. After all, she's the one to possess his wealth. How Jennifer intends to get rid of the man is simply by coming back from the market, cook the man's favourite food, poison him thereof. Of course, the man has no single knowledge what's on his wife's mind; he will be delighted to see his 'loving' and 'caring' wife prepare his irresistible dish. The truth we all know: it's only Ann, an outsider, that can tell the man why Jennifer wants to prepare that particular meal, how Jennifer intends to provide the meal for him, and what Jennifer really wants to serve him with.
4. Test:
In life, you must have tested someone - or you must have been tested by others - at one point or the other. It's part of the human nature. Even God tests people. Abraham stands out. No need mentioning too many names. Test is different from temptation: when someone tests you, they're trying to see your progress; it's their happiness to see you pass the test. But when someone tempts you, their intention is to make you fail. Satan tempted Jesus because he wanted Him to fail in His messianic mission. God tested Abraham because He wanted Abraham to be solid in Him. The difference is clear. Testing people can reveal their minds towards you, it can tell you if they really love you or not. This, however, is not without some problems.
Testing people - even things - doesn't always reveal their true nature. You have to consider the circumstance(s) they are at that very moment. If you see a weightlifter who hasn't eaten for days and you feel he should lift some heavy objects to prove how strong he is, don't be surprised if he fails. Dude is hungry and weak at the moment. As a lady, if you walk into a man's room absolutely naked, nobody at home, the weather very rosy, his emotions already high all day, he's very much likely going to be moved just by seeing you. It doesn't make him a flirt. Some men can approach you at that point, others would want to, but immediately order you out. Expect different reactions. Too, if you expect someone to go for a driving test under the influence of alcohol, they're likely going to fail. Circumstances affect things.
In same vein, testing humans can prove abortive as everyone has different ways of responding to issues. People's exposure determines their life. How A will tackle a problem is likely going to be different from how B will. How a many tackles a problem will likely be different from a woman's. All these circumstances must be considered before concluding your judgement on someone.
If you test me and I fail, it doesn't mean you the tester will always pass tests: the test that weighs me down me might not weigh you down, and vice versa. In other words, when you test people, put yourself into their shoes and see if you would pass the test under same or related conditions. More importantly, if your aim was to test and not tempt, then always create out time to discuss the result of the test with the person. Don't forget, your aim is to make sure they get better. If they fail or turn out unsatisfactory in their result, test them again under a different circumstance, possibly, with a different bait. Also be aware that people can get really mad at you for even testing them in the first place. Some will believe you don't trust them that's why you test them. Humans are too diverse for us to make hasty conclusions. Take your time very well, be patient with it, be sincere in your intentions, discuss with them your findings. You've just built your relationship another step further.
5. Intention:
Hallelujah! Here comes the boss of them all - intentions; the summary of what we've been saying all this while. Why do humans do what they do (including what they say)? If you were observant enough, you would recognize that in all we discussed above, there was an overall surfacing of the human intention factor. However, I didn't want to emphasize much on that. Now is the time. In the fields of Ethics and Philosophy, the human intention yardstick remains a problematic tool for judging what's right and what's wrong. When you don't know people's thoughts, how then can you decipher the nature of their intentions? Judging your own intentions, too, can be very difficult considering the fact that humans are bound to be partial and selfish. The world is such a difficult place that humans are bound to do things they normally wouldn't do.
When you know people's intentions, you've known them all. When you know the reasons behind their actions - even your own actions - and inactions, expressions and processes, then you can boast of a firm ground to make a sound judgement. At times people try genuinely to proffer solutions to our problems, they try to stand by us, whether or not we request them to. But we get mad at them simply because their input doesn't solve our problems completely, or because their input brings further problems to us. In any of these two instances, I think it's pretty wise that we appreciate them for offering to help. Anyway, for now, only Christ's intention was and is still well known, namely to save humans.
Your dad knows you to be a bad son. He foresees some things about you that you may not even be aware of. He reports you to the police, gets you arrested and sends you for some rehabilitation. On coming out of the rehab, you discover your friends have all been killed in one robbery operation or a cult clash case. How will you judge your dad? Yea, to you, initially your dad was such a mean man for arresting you. You never knew his intentions for you then. Now you know. Dad's such a good man, right? Je vous remercie beaucoup, papa!
On the other hand, as a young girl, you mistakenly get pregnant for a poor guy, Ben. Ben is still struggling to go to school, a hopeless young man you've dated for a long while. However, he's asked you to get rid of the pregnancy out of fear: he's scared of what people will say, how to father a home unprepared, how the both of you will face marital sufferings, public embarrassment, denials, rejection, and a host of other consequent events that will affect both you and him. Sometimes you wish to commit suicide. You and Ben have sleepless nights. There are other personal and family issues you guys face as individuals, of course. The totality of life's predicaments makes you cry, you wish it never happened, you scamper for solutions.
Ben's intention that you get rid of the pregnancy might not be to harm you, but to 'safe' both of you from all the vices named above. Does it mean Ben doesn't love the girl for thinking of getting rid of the baby, or does it mean the girl doesn't love herself for considering suicide? Truly, they both have one common good intention: to 'safe' themselves from many problems. But they've got some really wrong approaches to the problem. O yes, people can have good intentions but circumstances force them to use the wrong approach, affecting their moral sense.
At times, people have both good and bad intentions in one act. That's one of the reasons why in Ethics, you can't successfully judge people by their intentions or by their approach, except you can prove what their intentions really are and, possibly, the circumstances at he moment. Now, that's a complex thing to delve into. Proving people's intentions, again, is not easy. Final example and we summarize it. Imagine a man who offers to sponsor a poor girl in school (intention 1 = good), but he demands for sex from her (intention 2 = bad, and bad approach). In same way, someone with good intentions can offer to correct you, test you, deal with you - all out of love for you. But you misunderstand all that and feel they hate you. How, then, can we know of a truth that someone really loves us?
To answer this long-standing question, I propose this:
it is by taking into account all the five points discussed so far -
what is the person doing for/with you?
how is the person doing it?
why is he/she doing it?
who else can tell you more about it?
To make the situation worse, you should also know that people can fake it. There are people who can show you love only when things are fine. Yet again, there are those who can show you love when things are hard with you; some can do both. Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven. Powerful statement! It's not everyone who does 'seemingly good things' for/with you that really loves you, except you wish to find out the kind of love they're professing for you. A guy buys you an iPhone and you think your angel has just arrived? Far from it. He might just be interested in eros love and nothing more. When the romance goes off, the love goes off too. So, can we just say, without further arguments, that the enormity of what people pass through to show us love really determines the extent to which they love us? It's both yes and no!
3. Outside Factors:
One way to to know if someone loves you is to hear from outsiders. There are things people do for you, trying to prove to you they love you, but you definitely can't tell if it's true or not. It's a close outsider to the person that can give you a clue, so far they know about it and are willingly to tell you.
You may be in a relationship with someone who's nursing a long plan to harm you. If you're not aware of this plan, of course, he/she will always remain a 'loving' person in your eyes, so far they keep providing you with some goodies. But why they provide those goodies, how they provide them, and what goodies they provide should be considered. Again, you might need the help of an outsider to gather this information.
Let's consider this: Jennifer goes to the market with her friend Ann. Jennifer's husband is a rich man, but far older than Jennifer and with a terminal disease. Mrs. Jennifer has told Ann she's tired of the man; she feels it's better to get rid of the man than for her to keep enduring such a spiteful condition of a dying fellow. After all, she's the one to possess his wealth. How Jennifer intends to get rid of the man is simply by coming back from the market, cook the man's favourite food, poison him thereof. Of course, the man has no single knowledge what's on his wife's mind; he will be delighted to see his 'loving' and 'caring' wife prepare his irresistible dish. The truth we all know: it's only Ann, an outsider, that can tell the man why Jennifer wants to prepare that particular meal, how Jennifer intends to provide the meal for him, and what Jennifer really wants to serve him with.
4. Test:
In life, you must have tested someone - or you must have been tested by others - at one point or the other. It's part of the human nature. Even God tests people. Abraham stands out. No need mentioning too many names. Test is different from temptation: when someone tests you, they're trying to see your progress; it's their happiness to see you pass the test. But when someone tempts you, their intention is to make you fail. Satan tempted Jesus because he wanted Him to fail in His messianic mission. God tested Abraham because He wanted Abraham to be solid in Him. The difference is clear. Testing people can reveal their minds towards you, it can tell you if they really love you or not. This, however, is not without some problems.
Testing people - even things - doesn't always reveal their true nature. You have to consider the circumstance(s) they are at that very moment. If you see a weightlifter who hasn't eaten for days and you feel he should lift some heavy objects to prove how strong he is, don't be surprised if he fails. Dude is hungry and weak at the moment. As a lady, if you walk into a man's room absolutely naked, nobody at home, the weather very rosy, his emotions already high all day, he's very much likely going to be moved just by seeing you. It doesn't make him a flirt. Some men can approach you at that point, others would want to, but immediately order you out. Expect different reactions. Too, if you expect someone to go for a driving test under the influence of alcohol, they're likely going to fail. Circumstances affect things.
In same vein, testing humans can prove abortive as everyone has different ways of responding to issues. People's exposure determines their life. How A will tackle a problem is likely going to be different from how B will. How a many tackles a problem will likely be different from a woman's. All these circumstances must be considered before concluding your judgement on someone.
If you test me and I fail, it doesn't mean you the tester will always pass tests: the test that weighs me down me might not weigh you down, and vice versa. In other words, when you test people, put yourself into their shoes and see if you would pass the test under same or related conditions. More importantly, if your aim was to test and not tempt, then always create out time to discuss the result of the test with the person. Don't forget, your aim is to make sure they get better. If they fail or turn out unsatisfactory in their result, test them again under a different circumstance, possibly, with a different bait. Also be aware that people can get really mad at you for even testing them in the first place. Some will believe you don't trust them that's why you test them. Humans are too diverse for us to make hasty conclusions. Take your time very well, be patient with it, be sincere in your intentions, discuss with them your findings. You've just built your relationship another step further.
5. Intention:
Hallelujah! Here comes the boss of them all - intentions; the summary of what we've been saying all this while. Why do humans do what they do (including what they say)? If you were observant enough, you would recognize that in all we discussed above, there was an overall surfacing of the human intention factor. However, I didn't want to emphasize much on that. Now is the time. In the fields of Ethics and Philosophy, the human intention yardstick remains a problematic tool for judging what's right and what's wrong. When you don't know people's thoughts, how then can you decipher the nature of their intentions? Judging your own intentions, too, can be very difficult considering the fact that humans are bound to be partial and selfish. The world is such a difficult place that humans are bound to do things they normally wouldn't do.
Your dad knows you to be a bad son. He foresees some things about you that you may not even be aware of. He reports you to the police, gets you arrested and sends you for some rehabilitation. On coming out of the rehab, you discover your friends have all been killed in one robbery operation or a cult clash case. How will you judge your dad? Yea, to you, initially your dad was such a mean man for arresting you. You never knew his intentions for you then. Now you know. Dad's such a good man, right? Je vous remercie beaucoup, papa!
On the other hand, as a young girl, you mistakenly get pregnant for a poor guy, Ben. Ben is still struggling to go to school, a hopeless young man you've dated for a long while. However, he's asked you to get rid of the pregnancy out of fear: he's scared of what people will say, how to father a home unprepared, how the both of you will face marital sufferings, public embarrassment, denials, rejection, and a host of other consequent events that will affect both you and him. Sometimes you wish to commit suicide. You and Ben have sleepless nights. There are other personal and family issues you guys face as individuals, of course. The totality of life's predicaments makes you cry, you wish it never happened, you scamper for solutions.
Ben's intention that you get rid of the pregnancy might not be to harm you, but to 'safe' both of you from all the vices named above. Does it mean Ben doesn't love the girl for thinking of getting rid of the baby, or does it mean the girl doesn't love herself for considering suicide? Truly, they both have one common good intention: to 'safe' themselves from many problems. But they've got some really wrong approaches to the problem. O yes, people can have good intentions but circumstances force them to use the wrong approach, affecting their moral sense.
At times, people have both good and bad intentions in one act. That's one of the reasons why in Ethics, you can't successfully judge people by their intentions or by their approach, except you can prove what their intentions really are and, possibly, the circumstances at he moment. Now, that's a complex thing to delve into. Proving people's intentions, again, is not easy. Final example and we summarize it. Imagine a man who offers to sponsor a poor girl in school (intention 1 = good), but he demands for sex from her (intention 2 = bad, and bad approach). In same way, someone with good intentions can offer to correct you, test you, deal with you - all out of love for you. But you misunderstand all that and feel they hate you. How, then, can we know of a truth that someone really loves us?
To answer this long-standing question, I propose this:
what is the person doing for/with you?
how is the person doing it?
why is he/she doing it?
who else can tell you more about it?
test their love for you. Don't test someone once and conclude that they're good or bad. Be like scientist: test them again and again to confirm your initial findings.
When you've genuinely fulfilled these criteria, then you're good to go!
I hope you learnt something new today? Please share with friends and comment your thoughts below.
Thank you for the time spent.
When you've genuinely fulfilled these criteria, then you're good to go!
I hope you learnt something new today? Please share with friends and comment your thoughts below.
Thank you for the time spent.
awesome!
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