'Relationship Lifeline 1b: How Strong is Trust?

Welcome back, friends. I hope you still remember where we stopped last? As it was clearly stated in the last write-up on the “Relationship Lifeline: How Strong is Trust?” series, our attention here shall be on those things you do either intentionally or unintentionally (knowingly or unknowingly) that have affected your relationship, and it's more directed towards man-woman relationship this time round. 

As someone's spouse out there, you possibly have every reason to declare yourself a very faithful partner to your spouse, but they keep having this suspicion that you're not trustworthy. Does it bother you why it happens that way? Are you suspecting your relationship isn't flowing well? You don't cheat on your spouse, you don't keep late night, you've done “everything” you can to make sure you're a faithful partner. But your spouse harbours a doubt in their heart concerning your level of faithfulness to them. This article is likely going to address your problem. However, if you’re not ready to better your relationship, and if you’re not ready to accept the truth with all amount of sincerity, then you might have to sign out from here. The points you’re about to read are meant for sincere people only.

Human beings are so diverse that diversity itself is scared of them. That's not funny, and the reasons are enormous. However, we definitely can't address them all here. While some people don't LIKE talking things out (or expressing their feelings), others don't just know HOW to talk. Yet, we have some rapid-fire people who can say just everything there is to say. It's the beauty of individual differences.

However, the worst thing here is that partners of opposing personalities can hardly cope with each other. This means, even when your spouse knows what they don't like about you, they can either keep silent over it (and die in silence), or they voice out over it (they can voice out wrongly, or they voice out and you refuse to accept it and the problems linger on). To cut the story short, the following are some of the things you do that your spouse/partner doesn't like and they won't tell you, hence affecting the sweet flow of your relationship:

1. Proxy/Anonymous Flirting

Sounds like a big grammar. Lol. By "proxy flirting" I mean those simple interactions you have with people on social media, in your office, in the public, etc that carry some emotional/romantic undertones. Such emotional/romantic undertones are “proxy” because you actually make those friends of yours feel “good”, something their partners would normally do. It’s “anonymous” because sometimes these social media friends don’t’ know you in person, and you don’t know them, too. But what keeps you guys going is some sort of light flirting. How do you chat and interact with your friends on Facebook, WhatsApp, Instagram, Badoo, Imo, name them? Those “sweet” words and “romantic” displays mean a lot to your spouse, but they might not tell you. Your partner keeps seeing people telling you "I love you", calling you "baby", "angel", "sweetheart", "my love"; or maybe you're the one saying these to your social media and other friends.  Guess what? It affects your partner's ability to trust you. Remember, when you're married or dating, you've decided to "belong" to the person; you no longer have right over yourself, and they no longer have right over themselves. Even God said so (1 Cor. 7v4). Well, you may think your spouse is just being too jealous in nature, you may think you're actually not cheating on them. But the truth is, you're affecting their emotions and their trust in you, that's it. They can't trust you! You have to stop using romantic gestures on others, and also stop them from doing same to you. Protect your relationship at all cost.

2. Opposite Sex Pictures on Phone

This might sound really, really stupid and funny: how can my partner not trust me simply because I have people's pictures on my phone? Some people are deep thinkers. They don't joke with things they come across. When your spouse sees photos of people who are your opposite sex stored on your phone, it immediately sends them a message that you're "possibly" having something doing outside. If God could be a jealous God, why won’t your partner be jealous? As God expects a total dedication of His people to Him alone, so also does your partner expect a total dedication of yourself to him/her alone. Have you not been advised before that you have to avoid ANYTHING that will make your spouse suspect you? Now you have!

3. Hugging People

Have you ever walked with your spouse and they went into some inexplainable hugging spree? Lord Jesus! Many - in fact, very many - people don't like that at all. Your spouse will automatically have the feeling that you're a “freelance” type, capable of finding pleasure in other people. If your spouse is the type that hates you hugging people of opposite sex, then you just have to stop it, else it will affect your relationship. Simple, silly things do break relationships. Avoid them!

4. Outing Type

Who doesn't want to have some nice time running about like a well fed puppy? It's cool to go out. It's cool to have a date with friends. But it's cooler to know it's capable of turning your relationship into rags. Once more, immediately you decide to spend your life with someone, you're welcome onboard the ship sailing to the land of "less freedom". You're no longer your own; you belong to someone. They, too, belong to you. No two ways to this. If your partner isn't the outing type, be ready to be like him/her. If they don't keep and visit too many friends, be ready to be same. If you're not comfortable with their nature, no need wanting to stay together! You're to complement your partner. However, lest you care to ask, if your partner does wrong, you're to "correct" them, not following them to be wrong. Be wise!

5. Demanding Type

In general terms, your taste of things can affect your relationship with your partner. There are people who can give you heaven and earth every time you ask, no matter how frequent. But watch this: some people give you all this not because they want to spend their life with you. There are people who give naturally. There are those who give just because you ask for it. However, in their heart, you've been ruled out of the relationship. Why? A demanding partner is generally believed to be discontented or dissatisfied in life, capable of looking outside or breaking up when things go tough materially in a relationship. Many ladies have lost their would-be husbands simply because they demanded too much. Don't force on your partner what they can't provide...and even if they have it, don't demand needlessly. Although they may give you all you demand, you're seriously queuing up your qualifications for an exit course. You guys might end up not getting married, or you get married but with issues.

6. Social Media Presence

Are you on any social media platform that your partner is not on? You might have to start considering deleting your account now. Why? Your partner (or your family) should be the first reason why you open any social media account. If they're not on that platform, then who do you want to chat with? On the other hand, your partner might be the type that doesn't care much about social media. Where this is the case, you just have to take permission from them to open it for yourself, maybe for business purposes. But trust me, if the platform is not serving a purpose for you and your partner, don't just bother opening it. They may give you a go ahead if you ask for, but it's likely not from their heart. Also, if you’re on any social media that your partner is not on, try invite them to open it too. If they refuse, be wise here: ask them curiously to know why they don’t want, or you just delete your account, especially if it doesn’t serve any mutual purposes for you and your partner. Remember, some people can't express their feelings. Avoid it!

7. Appearance

Hmmm....it's kind of speechless how your partner won't just allow you to express yourself just the way you want. Well, you can actually express yourself freely the way you want it, but you have to be single to do this. Lol. Yes, repeatedly, I've said it that once you've decided to live with someone, your body is theirs, and theirs turn to yours. The way you dress, the make-up you wear - in short everything that makes your appearance - is highly scrutinized by your spouse. Go against their like and see your relationship in shambles. Or, they don't complain? Better watch out well.

Like it was rightly said initially, there are millions of things out there to discuss here. But trust me, Jesus would come before exhausting them all in this piece. However, my intention has been served: I have opened your eyes now. You can now start thinking of similar things that you've been doing and you never knew could affect the way your partner sees you. You and your partner must be "compatible" before you guys can have a smooth relationship (I will write more on the issue of "compatibility" very soon). Remember, it's either you belong to the relationship or your leave. If you want to stay and make it loving, then reconsider your life. When you're in a relationship, your partner has the right over you, and vice versa.

Did you learn anything today? Please like, comment, and share. Thanks for reading.

Relationship Lifeline 1a: How Strong is Trust?

Do you really value good things? Do you love self-development? Or you like reading? If yes, then you're about to experience true joy in your heart as something new comes up on this blog: a series of related writings that will sincerely, truthfully explain to you the things that sustain (and at same time break) relationships. 'Relationship Lifeline' will feature many 'must-haves' (or lifelines) that should - in fact, must - be sought for and applied in everything relationship. Without claiming to cover every relationship lifeline there is, we begin this part with the lifeline called trust.

Before talking about trust, let’s know what the word 'relationship' means. To make it straight, Cambridge Dictionaries Online defined it as 'the way in which two things are connected’. We can see three clear words there – a. 'two' (but I would add '...or more...'), b. 'things' (be it humans or non-humans) and c. 'connected' (there must be something that brings them together). A relationship happens when at least two parties are involved. One thing cannot have a relationship alone. As human beings, the different parts of the human body are constantly in a serious relationship with each other, hence they function well. This means an individual can have a relationship within (your hand carry things, your eyes show the road, your legs take the walk, and so it goes). Relationships also happen in the business world, among plants, heavenly bodies, and the list continues. The sole purpose of this coming together or connection, is to make sure a 'common goal' is achieved. In this series, however, we shall be concerned with human relationships only.

Trust, on the other hand, stands for utmost assurance you have over a ‘thing’. Again, our three key words here are 'utmost' (absolutely) 'assurance' (knowing to be true), and ‘thing’ (the person involved/what they want you to trust them on). Trust is an ‘unexpected break’ in what has already been known and ‘accepted’ and possibly, valued. Consider this statement: 'I know you very well, dad. You've been paying my school fees from day one. I trust you on this and I'm very sure you won't fail me as I'm about going to my finals'. The child has been exposed to something that has never failed since inception, something that has grown over a period of time to convince them that the father will 'always' be there. The father took his time to build that trust, and it's become a 'normal' thing between the two. What if one day the father fails to pay the fee? It means something has gone 'wrong'. It could be the man doesn't have the money; or maybe he has it, but just doesn't want to pay it again. In which case, something is not going as 'expected', as it 'used to be'. All this while, the child has known the father to 'always' be there. Now, what has happened? I will tell you where the father went wrong.

Trust can be both negatively and positively broken. You break trust positively when you make better a normal situation people know about you. If people know you to be a smoker once you see cigarettes in your room, but you decide to see cigarettes in your room and refuse to smoke, you’ve just bettered your trust. You’ve broken what they used to know about you in that area. In any relationship we find ourselves, trust is a key factor that must never be broken, except in the positive way. In the analogy above, the father went wrong because he made his child believe for sure that he will 'always' be there. The man failed to also let the child know that sometimes, it may be hard to raise money for the child’s fees. If the child knew this, they would know that the father would 'always' provide the school fees only 'if' the man had it. That would be the kind of trust built. You don’t just wake up and build trust on what you can’t keep. There are different ways to build trust, and you must choose yours depending on your capability. When you surprise people negatively in a relationship, you've broken the trust: trust is what you are known for!

When you break the trust people have for you negatively, they get shocked and devastated. It makes them sad,  always thinking about how far they've gone with you, what they expected, and what you've now given them. As a man, your wife may seem carefree to you, but she knows when that trust is broken. Tell your partner that you will always do what they want 'if' you're capable. They, in turn, will trust that you will always keep your promise ‘only if' you're capable. On the other hand, tell your partner that you will always be there for them. Their trust will be that you will 'always' be there for them, no matter what. Did you notice the difference? The first one is conditional, the second unconditional. Don't make people trust you on what you can't give out constantly. Now you now understand why relationships scatter so easily, even when people claim they maintained their trust. More below, anyway.

Have you ever read the biblical story of the exodus of the children of Israel from Egypt? If yes, here we go. Moses showed it to God that he would always obey Him. Moses kept to this promise and for long ‘showed’ God that he could be trusted (God said we shouldn't trust man, anyway). Things were going somewhat fine for years. But when He asked Moses to speak to the rock in order to get water for the Israelites, Mr. Moses decided to strike the rock instead. This was a break in what God valued about Moses - obedience. That 'trust' was lost and Moses was never going to enter the land of Canaan from that moment. You've successfully vowed on the altar 'not' to cheat on each other (100% trust). The day you cheat is the day the trust has been broken. However, if your vow was that you'll try at least 80% not to cheat on each other, your partner automatically harbours the belief and trust that you're 'likely' going to cheat on each other. So if you catch one another cheating, the pains will not be much, considering your vow: 80% trust, not 100%. 

As an employee, your boss knows you to be the closest and most sincere person he's ever recruited. For real, this is the true life you’ve lived and he's more than being convinced you're good to go. You've given him a 100% trust that you can't harm him in any form. He freely gives you his details and access to his private life. One day, you steal his ATM card and withdraw money from his account. Sit back and imagine the rest. What a disappointment! But if he knew you to be inconsistent in your ways, he'd know how to handle you and what role(s) to give you in his life.

Guess which people trust the most? Children! These blameless young ones just believe in their parents like there’s no tomorrow. Their parents are the best in all ramifications. My daddy can fight you. My mom will buy me a plane when I’m 4years. You throw them in the air, they laugh really hard, knowing for sure you will catch them as they descend. You ask them to play and they obey because they trust it’s safe. Mom has confirmed it so. They’re ignorant but growing. Your relationship with them becomes as lovely as your favourite food. But as they grow, watch how you make them trust you, because they will live by that, hence affecting your relationship with them. In every relationship, everything that’s done and said – whether jokingly or seriously, passively or actively – matters a lot. The day you throw your child up and fail to catch, just have it at the back of your mind that next time that child won’t subscribe to that game again. If they do, with caution; they will be scared.

However, as I get this to a close, remember once again that trust can be broken positively. If your partner - whether in business, school, family, etc - trusts you 80% on a thing, but you decide to go as far as giving them a 100% trust, that's a positive break of trust. Build your trust ‘only’ on what you can keep, except you want to better your trust. Trust is such a strong ingredient we must posses. Without trust in a relationship, you won’t enter your Canaan-land, like Moses.

Did you learn a new thing today? Please comment below and share with friends. Also watch out for the 'Relationship Lifeline (1b): How Strong is Trust? Here, you'll learn some few mistakes (?) that make your partner not to trust you, even when you claim you're to be trusted.

Thanks for the time spent.

Discussing in the Public? Know Your Spouse by Their Eye Movements

Credit: 
http://flirtingbodylanguage.tumblr.com/

Hi all! You're warmly welcome to this very expose`. Today, I'm about to expose you to something very common among people, but always not decoded by same people, especially those on the receiving end. How often do you have a chat with your spouse in the public? What do you notice about their eye movement? Does it bother you at all? Here, I'll be talking about the movements of people's eyes 'away' from the 'receiving end' (ie the other party) when in a discussion and the possible meanings behind them. Before we start, however, let it also be known that generalizing a claim is dangerous. Hence, I'm not concluding that every eye movement away from the receiving end has a negative meaning. Here we go!

Have you ever been in a face-to-face discussion with your partner in the public and you wonder why they just can't fix their eyes on you as they are talking? On the other hand, as the one talking, do you wonder why your partner looks outside more often than they look into your eyes? Of course, you guys are each other's audience at that particular moment and so you deserve that your partner concentrates on you in that discussion. But they keep looking sidewards, backwards, or even at things behind you. All this happens in all public places—in the class room, cafe`, market, in the bus, at restaurant, even in your house. All that is needed is the presence of someone else around the vicinity, preferably someone who's opposite sex to your partner.

As I don't intend to bore you with a lengthy talk, right away I present to you some of the reasons why your partner doesn't have a constant and needed look into your eyes when you guys discuss in the public:

1. Your partner is a cheating type:

Ooops! You just got confused hearing that? Flashing back on events in the past, possibly where you suspected your partner of this? O yea, cheaters have no single reason whatsoever to look into your eyes constantly when discussing in the public. Never! That's an opportunity for them to look around for someone they may also like/love, in addition to you sitting there. If there's a girl (or girls) around that vicinity, be rest assured your guy is very much interested in them. Too, if there's a guy (guys) around there, be rest assured your woman can't stop looking at those dudes around you. Flirts can never retain constant eye contact with their partners in the public when there are people around for them to admire and lust after. Come on!

Credit: https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/470485492291683485/

2. Shyness:

Generally, shy people won't be able to maintain constant look into your eyes. However, their case is always easily noticed because they can look down, up, side-wards, or cover their face with their hands or handkerchief. In fact, their actions are always well pronounced. So you will even notice it that they are shy. Lol.

3. Afraid:

Without mincing words, your partner may be afraid to look into your eyes simply because they are afraid either of you or of impending buster (eg. their parent or relatives catching them sitting with you). If you're way older, richer, educated, or influential than them, they might be afraid to look right into your eyes. Inferiority complex of all kinds fall in here, too.

4. Worry:

If your partner doesn't look into your eyes as expected, chances are there's a problem - either a problem both of you are aware of, or something they're hiding away from you. However, such wavery eye movements are always accompanied by some fitting body language - they act very calm/troubled, arrogant, or indifferent. It could be the worst thing even: they are no longer interested in you...and all you're busy saying there is a waste of their precious time. It could be the person is not even proud of you. Sitting with you, then, gives them inner discomfort. They just want the discussion to end in the speed of light so they can go back home. Hmm...maybe it's a kind of worry over safety/security issues around the environment. So they keep looking around like a secret agent would. Anyway, ask questions!

5. Attention Seeking:

People with different problems! Don’t be surprised to see your partner look around as helpless as someone about to commit a serious crime. The reason could be this simple: they’re trying to find out if people have recognised their presence in that place, or if your own presence has been recognised by people there. For instance, if you are sitting with a rich person or celebrity, trust me, you will always want people to notice your ‘levels’. It’s not easy to sit down and have a chat with a celebrity or rich people. On the other hand, if you love your or admire your partner so jealously well, you will want people to notice their presence. Hope you don’t bring fire on their head. Lol.

Although there may be other reasons not covered here, let the ones above suffice our quest for today. Next time you're discussing with your spouse, be psychologically active. Note the movement of their eyes; it tells a lot about them and the relationship.

Thanks a lot for reading.