Relationship Lifeline 1a: How Strong is Trust?

Do you really value good things? Do you love self-development? Or you like reading? If yes, then you're about to experience true joy in your heart as something new comes up on this blog: a series of related writings that will sincerely, truthfully explain to you the things that sustain (and at same time break) relationships. 'Relationship Lifeline' will feature many 'must-haves' (or lifelines) that should - in fact, must - be sought for and applied in everything relationship. Without claiming to cover every relationship lifeline there is, we begin this part with the lifeline called trust.

Before talking about trust, let’s know what the word 'relationship' means. To make it straight, Cambridge Dictionaries Online defined it as 'the way in which two things are connected’. We can see three clear words there – a. 'two' (but I would add '...or more...'), b. 'things' (be it humans or non-humans) and c. 'connected' (there must be something that brings them together). A relationship happens when at least two parties are involved. One thing cannot have a relationship alone. As human beings, the different parts of the human body are constantly in a serious relationship with each other, hence they function well. This means an individual can have a relationship within (your hand carry things, your eyes show the road, your legs take the walk, and so it goes). Relationships also happen in the business world, among plants, heavenly bodies, and the list continues. The sole purpose of this coming together or connection, is to make sure a 'common goal' is achieved. In this series, however, we shall be concerned with human relationships only.

Trust, on the other hand, stands for utmost assurance you have over a ‘thing’. Again, our three key words here are 'utmost' (absolutely) 'assurance' (knowing to be true), and ‘thing’ (the person involved/what they want you to trust them on). Trust is an ‘unexpected break’ in what has already been known and ‘accepted’ and possibly, valued. Consider this statement: 'I know you very well, dad. You've been paying my school fees from day one. I trust you on this and I'm very sure you won't fail me as I'm about going to my finals'. The child has been exposed to something that has never failed since inception, something that has grown over a period of time to convince them that the father will 'always' be there. The father took his time to build that trust, and it's become a 'normal' thing between the two. What if one day the father fails to pay the fee? It means something has gone 'wrong'. It could be the man doesn't have the money; or maybe he has it, but just doesn't want to pay it again. In which case, something is not going as 'expected', as it 'used to be'. All this while, the child has known the father to 'always' be there. Now, what has happened? I will tell you where the father went wrong.

Trust can be both negatively and positively broken. You break trust positively when you make better a normal situation people know about you. If people know you to be a smoker once you see cigarettes in your room, but you decide to see cigarettes in your room and refuse to smoke, you’ve just bettered your trust. You’ve broken what they used to know about you in that area. In any relationship we find ourselves, trust is a key factor that must never be broken, except in the positive way. In the analogy above, the father went wrong because he made his child believe for sure that he will 'always' be there. The man failed to also let the child know that sometimes, it may be hard to raise money for the child’s fees. If the child knew this, they would know that the father would 'always' provide the school fees only 'if' the man had it. That would be the kind of trust built. You don’t just wake up and build trust on what you can’t keep. There are different ways to build trust, and you must choose yours depending on your capability. When you surprise people negatively in a relationship, you've broken the trust: trust is what you are known for!

When you break the trust people have for you negatively, they get shocked and devastated. It makes them sad,  always thinking about how far they've gone with you, what they expected, and what you've now given them. As a man, your wife may seem carefree to you, but she knows when that trust is broken. Tell your partner that you will always do what they want 'if' you're capable. They, in turn, will trust that you will always keep your promise ‘only if' you're capable. On the other hand, tell your partner that you will always be there for them. Their trust will be that you will 'always' be there for them, no matter what. Did you notice the difference? The first one is conditional, the second unconditional. Don't make people trust you on what you can't give out constantly. Now you now understand why relationships scatter so easily, even when people claim they maintained their trust. More below, anyway.

Have you ever read the biblical story of the exodus of the children of Israel from Egypt? If yes, here we go. Moses showed it to God that he would always obey Him. Moses kept to this promise and for long ‘showed’ God that he could be trusted (God said we shouldn't trust man, anyway). Things were going somewhat fine for years. But when He asked Moses to speak to the rock in order to get water for the Israelites, Mr. Moses decided to strike the rock instead. This was a break in what God valued about Moses - obedience. That 'trust' was lost and Moses was never going to enter the land of Canaan from that moment. You've successfully vowed on the altar 'not' to cheat on each other (100% trust). The day you cheat is the day the trust has been broken. However, if your vow was that you'll try at least 80% not to cheat on each other, your partner automatically harbours the belief and trust that you're 'likely' going to cheat on each other. So if you catch one another cheating, the pains will not be much, considering your vow: 80% trust, not 100%. 

As an employee, your boss knows you to be the closest and most sincere person he's ever recruited. For real, this is the true life you’ve lived and he's more than being convinced you're good to go. You've given him a 100% trust that you can't harm him in any form. He freely gives you his details and access to his private life. One day, you steal his ATM card and withdraw money from his account. Sit back and imagine the rest. What a disappointment! But if he knew you to be inconsistent in your ways, he'd know how to handle you and what role(s) to give you in his life.

Guess which people trust the most? Children! These blameless young ones just believe in their parents like there’s no tomorrow. Their parents are the best in all ramifications. My daddy can fight you. My mom will buy me a plane when I’m 4years. You throw them in the air, they laugh really hard, knowing for sure you will catch them as they descend. You ask them to play and they obey because they trust it’s safe. Mom has confirmed it so. They’re ignorant but growing. Your relationship with them becomes as lovely as your favourite food. But as they grow, watch how you make them trust you, because they will live by that, hence affecting your relationship with them. In every relationship, everything that’s done and said – whether jokingly or seriously, passively or actively – matters a lot. The day you throw your child up and fail to catch, just have it at the back of your mind that next time that child won’t subscribe to that game again. If they do, with caution; they will be scared.

However, as I get this to a close, remember once again that trust can be broken positively. If your partner - whether in business, school, family, etc - trusts you 80% on a thing, but you decide to go as far as giving them a 100% trust, that's a positive break of trust. Build your trust ‘only’ on what you can keep, except you want to better your trust. Trust is such a strong ingredient we must posses. Without trust in a relationship, you won’t enter your Canaan-land, like Moses.

Did you learn a new thing today? Please comment below and share with friends. Also watch out for the 'Relationship Lifeline (1b): How Strong is Trust? Here, you'll learn some few mistakes (?) that make your partner not to trust you, even when you claim you're to be trusted.

Thanks for the time spent.